Day Four

I've been reading the comments on a post by The Bloggess about mental illness this morning.  I can relate to so many of them.  In a way it makes me feel better because I realize I'm not the only one.  I can also see how flawed the thinking is when looking at it from the outside.  It also makes me feel sad and angry.  I feel sad and angry for myself and everybody else that has to live with those sorts of feelings and thoughts.  It's scary.  It's debilitating.  It's crippling.  I've lived this way for as long as I can remember and I'm just so tired.  I keep saying I'll write about it.  One day I will write about it when I'm ready.

Anyway, yesterday I ate about 1300 calories.  I don't feel as anxious this morning, but I have a feeling that's going to change.

Last night my daughter and I had a Jurassic Park marathon.  All. Night. Long.  We watched all three movies twice.  Nobody can accuse us of not being Jurassic Park fans.  We're getting ready for Jurassic World.  We'll definitely be in line for that on June 12th.

I pulled out some of my cross stitch stuff last night and decided I really want to do The Guardian by Teresa Wentzler.  It's a massive undertaking, but I love that picture.  I've got so many other things to do this summer, though.  This would be, of course, after I finish the Majestic Unicorns and the Unicorns of Vengeance.

I've decided I need to be more aggressive in cleaning out that room.  It's just not coming along like I wanted.  I'm going to have to throw out about half of what's in there.  I'm a hoarder, so this is not something I take lightly.  I've already thrown out a whole garbage can full of stuff which is a real accomplishment for me.  I think what I may do this morning is take my anxiety meds, take a nice warm bath, and just go in there and start throwing out.

Update:  I knew today wasn't going to be a good day this morning when I realized my mother was probably in a bad mood.  (I can't live alone because my intense anxiety renders me nonfunctional at times.)  Whenever my mother does this, I have overwhelming anxiety.  This stems from my childhood.  Anyway, I've been unable to function well this morning and have gotten very little done.  I've just taken my meds again and I'm waiting for that to start working then I'll try to go clean the laundry room.  (I seriously want a great big tub of Death by Chocolate right now.)

Day Three

I ate about 1300 calories yesterday and felt good pretty much all day, but today I'm feeling a bit anxious.

My daughter has picked out what my next cross stitch project will be.  I wanted to do a Teresa Wentzler design, but I will be doing Majestic Unicorns and Unicorns of Vengeance (Unicorns of Vengeance???).  After that, I'll do a Teresa Wentzler.  I'm kind of excited to get back into cross stitching.  It's been so many years since I've done any needlework.  It's been years since I've done anything crafty.  I used to love doing that sort of thing, but depression, anxiety, life got in the way.  It's taken me years to work through three nervous breakdowns.  But that's a story I'll write about eventually.

It's time for me to get busy cleaning out that room.  It's got lots of my craft stuff in it that's just been piled up over the years of inactivity.  I'm not even going to be cautiously optimistic that I'm coming out of the deep pit of depression I was in.  I've been optimistic before and have been kicked back down again.  But, I'll work on being ok today.

2:30pm: Had to take medication for anxiety

Five for Friday

Inspired by rukristin.

1.  I'm doing better today!  I haven't been hungry and I've had much less anxiety than yesterday.
2.  We've been watching Say Yes to the Dress today.  It's not bad reality TV, but after a whole afternoon of it, I might be willing to watch something else.  You wouldn't have to twist my arm too badly.
3.  I'm thinking about starting a cross-stitch project.  It's been so long since I've done anything with my needlework.
4.  It hasn't rained all day today!
5.  I got some more of the room cleaned out today.  I got several boxes moved out and in the trash.

Update:  It's raining.

Day Two

So, I did ok yesterday.  I ate about 1460 calories which was more than I wanted to but I started feeling sickish.  I want to lose weight so badly, but I feel so terrible when I don't eat, especially when anxiety attacks hit.  I'm trying to make sure I don't forget my antidepressants, but I don't know how much good they're doing.

I did get started on one of the rooms that needs cleaning out.  I didn't get a whole lot done because of the anxiety and sickishness, but at least I did get started.

My cat's feeling much better since her allergy shot.  She's been out and about whereas before, she hid for a couple of days.

Now we will see how Day Two goes...

Day One

I took my cat to the vet yesterday.  Turns out she has allergies.  She got a shot and is feeling much better this morning.

We also went to Walmart as much as I hate going there.  I bought a tub of Yarnell's Death by Chocolate ice cream.  I know, I know.  I need to lose weight and writing this makes me realize just how stupid that decision was, but I haven't had Death by Chocolate for YEARS and I wanted some yesterday.  My problem is that I eat when I get stressed and when I'm experiencing anxiety - which is all the time, really.  I've always battled with my weight because of this.  So, I made the decision last night to announce that I'm starting counting calories today.  I need to lose 30 pounds in 10 months... 30 pounds before my daughter graduates.  I'm at 169 pounds now (maybe more since the Death by Chocolate).  I want to be at 139 pounds or less at her graduation.  If I get down to 138, that'll be how much I weighed 15 years ago.  Hopefully writing about it will help.  We'll see...  Today is Day One.

Now that I've had almost a week to think about and do absolutely nothing since school let out, it's time for me to start actually doing something with my summer.  There are two rooms in the house that need to be cleaned out so that's going to be my first project.  Hopefully writing about that will keep me on track with that, too.

Ten for Tuesday

Inspired by rukristin.

1.  Just watched a marathon of Married at First Sight (my daughter likes bad reality TV) and the final episode doesn't air until next week.  Aaaargh!  It's not that great of a TV show and I don't want to worry about watching it later, but I want to know who stays together!
2.  I have to take my cat to the vet tomorrow.
3.  I'm feeding raccoons outside.  I put out dog food for them (and the opossums) every night.  They really like vanilla creme cookies.  I've got a couple that will take the cookies out of my hand.
4.  I need to lose weight, but today was 50 cent corn dog day at Sonic, so we had corn dogs for dinner.

5.  Speaking of bad reality TV, now we're watching Arranged.  If these marriage reality shows aren't infuriating, they're depressing.
6.  I have to go to Walmart tomorrow, too.  I'd rather chew nails than go to Walmart.
7.  UnREAL premiers Monday on Lifetime.  I think I may watch it.  I have a problem with shows that have no good guy to root for, though.  I wonder of there will be a good guy on that show.
8.  I'm sleepy.  I didn't sleep last night because of storms moving through the area.  I need to go to bed soon and I'm wondering what my next two things will be.
9.  I need to plan how I'm going to spend this summer.  I haven't given it much thought as we just got out of school last Friday.
10.  I'm on my way to bed!

My First Blog Post

I've been staring at this computer screen for DAYS trying to think of something to write.  I don't know why I can think of all sorts of things when I'm not in front of the computer, but I'm paralyzed at the keyboard.

So, why did I start this blog?  Believe me, I've been asking myself the same thing.  I suffer from depression and extreme anxiety.  I'll be honest, I keep telling myself I'm too stupid to blog.  I was hoping for some sort of therapeutic effect, even if it's only by sharing my shopping list for the day.

Who am I?  Nobody, really.  I teach school so I currently am out for the summer.  I have one daughter who's in college.  I love animals.  I'm a nerd.  I enjoy reading although I haven't read a book in a while.  I also enjoy Netflix marathons.  I need to stop smoking and lose weight.  I'll be writing about all of those at some point or another.

I hope you enjoy reading!