Day 37

I ate around 1100 calories yesterday.

I worked on Tempest a good bit last night.  I've gotten his face and the top of his wings finished - no backstitching, though.  I'm getting back into practice counting on evenweave fabric, but I'm not happy with the way it looks.  It's been about 11 years since I've stitched anything.  I didn't realize it had been that long.  It doesn't seem like it.  But the floss is at least 11 years old and seems to have gotten flat and thin.  I don't like how the floss looks.  If anybody has any experience - hints, tips, advice - using old floss, please contact me because I really don't want to spend the time sorting out all of my old floss if it's unusable.  (There's a contact button over on the right.)  I'm just wondering if I should throw away all of my old floss.  (It's DMC.)  I'll try to get a picture of it later so you can see what I'm talking about.  I want my stitches to look fluffy and full.  If there's anybody that can help me out, please, please, please contact me.

As of right now, we have no plans for the 4th.  We have a small family and some are on vacation so it looks like we may not do anything.  Which is honestly fine with me.  I also don't like shooting fireworks around the house because it scares my animals.  So, I'm not sure what will be going on there.

Boyfriend is still here.  It looks like he'll be staying until Sunday.

I'm not feeling well today.  A wave of depression just hit me while ago.  It could be lack of sleep or not getting anywhere on the diet or the summer's halfway over or the thought of having to throw away all of my old floss or that Tempest isn't looking so great or that my stray cat hasn't shown up since yesterday morning - most likely a combination of all those things.  I really don't know, but I'm on the verge of tears.

That's about all for today unless I get a picture a bit later of Tempest.

Update:  The kids are cooking supper so I'll probably have to eat a bit of that.  We're also going to the city tomorrow for the 4th.  I feel really bad.  I doubt I get much stitching done tonight.  I'll probably get in bed early.

Day 10

I'm feeling less queasy today, but I got very little sleep last night.

I ate around 1100 calories yesterday.  I also finally weighed myself.  Usually the only time I weigh is when I'm at the doctor's office, but I pulled out the scales and they said 163.4.  Now, it's questionable just how accurate these scales are and I have shoes and more clothes on in the doctor's office, so I'm going with 165.  That means I'm down 4 pounds.  There's no possible way I could've lost 4 pounds in 9 days.  There's no way I've had a 14,000 calorie deficit in 9 days.  I'll keep weighing on a home scale, but I'll officially see how much I weigh next time I go to the doctor's office which will be at the end of the month.

I am five pounds away from my pregnancy weight.  My highest weight during my pregnancy was 160.  At the time I thought that weight was massive.  I cannot believe I'm dieting to get back down to my highest pregnancy weight.  I thought I was so fat at 140 when I got pregnant.  I lost my pregnancy weight fairly quickly, but in the years since I've gotten as high as 185.  I started gaining weight about 15 years ago and it's been a roller-coaster since.  My weight started going up when I started teaching and it just got worse with the nervous breakdowns, anxiety, depression, and degenerative disease.

I've had an eating disorder since around 2nd grade.  I've been in treatment for that and depression several times.  Honestly, none of it really worked.  I'm not quite ready to talk about exactly why, but it mainly hinges on my mother who was a narcissist.  Anyway, I would binge whenever I had an anxiety attack.  It's really a wonder that I'm not much heavier than I am.  But, as I said before, I'm hoping to change those habits in the next 10 months.  I know it's not going to happen overnight.

In other news, my daughter will be coming back tomorrow.  That means back to the city.  We'll be staying the night with a friend of mine so I've got to figure out what I'm going to take to eat.  I've got to be very careful because every time I stay over there, I eat more than I should.  Every.  Time.  I don't know why.  It just happens.  I'm going to have to have more control this time.  I'd hate to have to come back Monday and say I blew it.  He lives a little outside the city and his neighbors have llamas and zebras.  That's just so exciting for me!  I just love animals.

Speaking of animals, one of the raccoons brought a baby up last night.  It was so adorable I wanted to hug it.  It chittered and stayed right beside mama the whole time.  Squee!

My medication seems to be kicking in so it's time for me to do a bit of cleaning and run a couple of errands.

Update:  I just weighed with jeans and shoes on and it did put on a couple of pounds.  I'm going to have to say that I've lost about 2 pounds.  That's a lot more realistic.  So, I'm 7 pounds from my highest pregnancy weight.  While it makes me feel better in a logical, realistic way - that's kind of depressing.  Let's just say I'm at 167 now.  Ugh.  I wish it were more, but that would be just fantasy.  Sigh.

Realistically, I expect to lose about 1/2 - 1 pound a week.  If I eat 1000-1200 calories a day, that would give me around a 500 calorie deficit which would add up to 3500 calories a week or 1 pound.  I have what was formerly called a Bodybugg so I can keep up with about how many calories I'm burning.  So, yeah, that does make the 2 pounds make a lot more sense.

Ten for Tuesday

inspired by rukristin

1.  I left my purse at Walmart today and didn't realize it until after we had ordered at Sonic which caused a big panic attack.  We did get the purse back, but now I'm feeling weak.  It's amazing how those panic attacks zap the energy right out of you.
2.  Today has been a test of my discipline.  I was so hungry this morning, plus the panic attack.  I didn't think I was going to make it, but so far I've done well.  I'm ok right now.  I really didn't think I was going to make it this morning, though.
3.  I have to drive into the city Thursday to take my daughter to meet up with her boyfriend to go to a convention which will cause another panic attack.  I hate driving in the city.
4.  We have a feral cat that's been hanging out in the woods behind the house for months.  It finally came up to the house a couple of weeks ago and today it came under the carport to eat!  (I already have seven cats.)
5.  I ordered the supplies for my cross stitch projects.  Hopefully they'll be here soon.  I realized, though, that my eyes have gotten so bad that I'm going to need a magnifying glass to do the detailed stitching on The Guardian, sooooo since I didn't get anything for Mother's Day, I've decided to order a magnifying glass lamp thing with a floor stand for myself.  Happy Mother's Day to me!
6.  I have three raccoons now that will take cookies out of my hand.  Raccoons are AWESOME!  I feed them dog food every night, but I give them vanilla creme cookies for treats.  Raccoons and opossums LOVE those! (Never feed animals chocolate.  It's poison to them.)
7.  I've had a lot of traffic on this blog the last few days and I'm all excited about it!  Thanks everyone! ♥
8.  We're watching Catfish.  More... reality TV.  And then Married at First Sight.  We get to see who stayed together tonight.  Thank goodness I don't have to worry about that one anymore.
9.  I didn't think it would be this tough to think of ten things.
10.  I am done for now.

Update:  Apparently Married at First Sight ends next week.  Crap.

My First Blog Post

I've been staring at this computer screen for DAYS trying to think of something to write.  I don't know why I can think of all sorts of things when I'm not in front of the computer, but I'm paralyzed at the keyboard.

So, why did I start this blog?  Believe me, I've been asking myself the same thing.  I suffer from depression and extreme anxiety.  I'll be honest, I keep telling myself I'm too stupid to blog.  I was hoping for some sort of therapeutic effect, even if it's only by sharing my shopping list for the day.

Who am I?  Nobody, really.  I teach school so I currently am out for the summer.  I have one daughter who's in college.  I love animals.  I'm a nerd.  I enjoy reading although I haven't read a book in a while.  I also enjoy Netflix marathons.  I need to stop smoking and lose weight.  I'll be writing about all of those at some point or another.

I hope you enjoy reading!