Day 27

I didn't feel well yesterday - anxiety and depression.  I don't know why.  I just pretty much woke up that way.  I got in an argument with my mother which made me feel worse.  Yesterday was just not a good day.

I got a lot of the cleaning out done, but I didn't finish.  I've got to finish today.

I ate around 1300 calories yesterday.

I got discouraged again yesterday over my weight.  I'm just feeling like this weight is going to put up a good fight before I can get rid of it and I'm not sure I'm going to be strong enough.  I just wish I could see some progress, if only a little, but so far there has been nothing.

I decided what fabric I want for Woodland Fairie.  Now I will have fabrics for all four fairies that I want to stitch.  Here they are:

Titania - Fairy Land
Adia - Wandering Ivy
Woodland Fairie - Ocean
Petal Fairy - Magical Garden

Now, if they would just get here so I could get started...

I did find a cute little raccoon that I can work on until my supplies come in.

I would also like to do Little Snap Dragon, but it'll probably take me forever to do the fairies so at this point, it's just wishful thinking.  Not to mention that I may decide to do Midsummer Night's Fairy.  I've got the pattern, but I haven't decided if I really want to do that one or not.

Ok, I've got to go get busy now...

Day 26

I finished Unicorns of Vengeance last night.  I wish I had my materials to start Titania but it will be a while before those come in.  I'm considering going ahead and ordering the materials for Adia.  I ordered the fabric from Silkweaver.  They make gorgeous fabrics.  I went ahead and got the fabrics for Titania, Adia, and Petal Fairy.  Another one I want to do is Woodland Fairie, but I haven't picked out what fabric I want for her yet.  I told my daughter that I'm making these for my granddaughter.  Now, my daughter isn't married.  She's not even engaged.  But one day she'll be married and have a little girl and these are for her.  Seriously.

I got a lot done cleaning out that room, but I didn't finish yesterday.  I'm planning on finishing today.

I ate about 1400 calories yesterday.  I keep hoping that I'll get used to not eating so much and stop being hungry as often so I can make it down to 1200 a day.

Currently the reality show is Bridezilla.  My daughter just loves bad reality TV.

I'm waiting for the medicine to kick in and then I've got to get started on cleaning.  I've really got to get that room finished today...

Day 25

I finally decided on what cross stitch project to start on next.  I'm going to be working on Titania, Queen of Fairies.  When I get a camera or a new phone, I'll post pictures.  I just ordered the materials so it'll be a week or so before I can start.

I went through a bout of depression again yesterday.  I forgot to take my meds a couple of days so that could've been the problem, but there are other things going on.  I'm feeling a little better now.

I ate about 1400 calories yesterday.

I'm also up late again.  I don't know why.  I was sleepy while ago and intended to get in bed my midnight, but it just didn't happen.  I kept going through my cross stitching stuff and I just never did get in bed.  Besides that, when my daughter stays up late, I like to stay up to spend time with her.  We're currently watching The X-Files.

I've got to really work on finishing up one room today which was one reason I wanted to get a good bit of sleep.  I guess I'll try to get a little sleep before it's time to get up and start working...

Day 24

I ate about 1400 calories yesterday.

My stray cat came back, but left again.

The shots for my back wore off way too quickly.  Also, they didn't work as well as the first time.  I'm disappointed.  I stayed up super late last night because my daughter was sick so I slept late this morning.  Now I'm waiting for the medicine I took to kick in so I can start cleaning out again.

We've got to make another trip to Walmart today as much as I hate to.  It'll probably be packed since tomorrow's Father's Day.  We don't celebrate Father's Day around here.  My father was an a**hole and my daughter's father is one.  So basically this is a non-holiday for us.

I'm making a good bit of progress on Unicorns of Vengeance.  I must admit that when I asked my daughter to pick out a cross stitch project for me to do for her, I thought it would be something - I don't know - prettier... more challenging - but this is what she wanted so I'm working on it.

Well, I need to get up and get busy even though the medicine isn't really working like I had wanted it to...

Day 23

I ate about 1300 calories yesterday.  We got a lot of stuff cleaned out, but still have more work to do.  I also started Unicorns of Vengeance.  My new magnifier lamp works great!  I'm so glad I got it!

I went to the doctor and got the shots for my back again today.  I'll be trying to lift boxes this weekend cleaning those rooms out.  I did not get weighed at the doctor's office today.  My back does feel better, but it is starting to give me a headache again.

I haven't seen my stray cat today.  I'm a bit concerned.  I hope he shows up tonight.  Some guys were out here working for a while today so that may have scared the cat off.

I'm still feeding the raccoons and opossums every night.  It's so cute.  The raccoons will come up to me for the vanilla creme cookies.  I just love raccoons.  I want to hug one.

My daughter and mother ordered pizza for tonight's supper, but I didn't have any.  I really need to stick to the plan and get this weight off.  It just seems like it doesn't want to budge.  We haven't gotten to get into walking yet.  It rained every day for a while and now we're busy cleaning out those rooms.  My daughter's boyfriend is coming for a visit next weekend.  Hopefully after that we'll be able to start walking.  Unfortunately, it's started getting really hot now.  The "feels like" temperature today was 103 degrees.

So far, my summer has been pretty boring.  I haven't had much to write about.  But I will continue to post my calorie intake.

Oh, and we're currently watching Marriage Boot Camp...

Day 22

I didn't count calories yesterday so that's three weeks and three days off plan.

My back bothered me all day yesterday.  If I don't do something about my back, I'm going to end up on a scooter.  I just don't know what to do.

We're getting a good bit done today cleaning out those couple of rooms.  My back is feeling a bit better now that I've taken a fistful of medicine.  I've also gotten a good bit done on the Majestic Unicorns for my daughter.  It's not difficult, so it's moving along quite quickly.

My magnifier lamp came in today.  I haven't put it together yet.  I'm going to take a break from cleaning in a bit and put that thing together.  I am so hoping it helps a lot.

Well, back to cleaning...

Day Seven

I made it a week!  Yesterday was AWFUL!  I was so hungry!  I managed to only eat around 1400 calories, but I felt like I was dying.  But, I made it a week!  That's pretty significant for someone who binges every time she has an anxiety attack.

As if the traumatizing incident of leaving my purse at Walmart wasn't enough, the cats got into the bread last night and messed up the kitchen.  My daughter woke me up to help clean up the mess they had made.  After we finished cleaning, we realized that there was no more bread.  We had to do something before my mother noticed the bread was gone. (The cats are an source of contention in our house.)  So, we made an emergency bread run to Walmart at midnight.  However, the bread at Walmart wasn't the same brand as the bread we had had in the kitchen.  I realized we'd have to somehow distract my mother from the bread in the morning, so we bought donuts, blueberry bagels, and cinnamon rolls.  There I was at 1:00 in the morning making cinnamon rolls.  My mother woke up to cinnamon rolls and a clean kitchen.  She seems to be in a good mood.  All this over a loaf of bread.  This is my life.

Yesterday was a test and I very nearly failed.

Things don't bode well for tomorrow, but that's a story for another day.

I'd like to thank everyone who is stopping by to read.  This blog is mostly for myself.  I told myself for a long time that I was going to lose weight, but I never stuck to it.  As soon as I started blogging, I knew I had to stick to it because PEOPLE are READING.  If any of you can relate, that's great!  That makes this endeavor even better!  Thank you!♥

Day Five

I'm feeling depressed this morning after my bout with anxiety yesterday.  Mother left before I woke up this morning.  She's probably pissed off about something.  This is what living with my mother does to me.  I wish so badly that I could be independent... and anxiety-free... and happy... or just normal.

I'm currently obsessed with sleep.  During the school year, I only get 4-5 (or less) hours of sleep each night so now that I'm off, I just want to sleep.  It feels so nice to be able to get 8 hours of sleep each night.  That's just wonderful!

I ate about 1100 calories yesterday.  Losing weight is such a pain in the rear.  I wish it were as easy as gaining it.  I'm good at that.  I've battled with my weight for most of my life.  I had an eating disorder by the time I was in second grade.  I was already severely depressed by that time.

The anxiety and anxiety meds yesterday rendered me almost nonfunctional so I didn't get as much done as I wanted to.  I did start cleaning the laundry room, but the meds made me so sleepy I didn't get it finished.  I've got to finish that today and continue to work on the junk room.

I still want that nice big tub of Death by Chocolate.

Day Four

I've been reading the comments on a post by The Bloggess about mental illness this morning.  I can relate to so many of them.  In a way it makes me feel better because I realize I'm not the only one.  I can also see how flawed the thinking is when looking at it from the outside.  It also makes me feel sad and angry.  I feel sad and angry for myself and everybody else that has to live with those sorts of feelings and thoughts.  It's scary.  It's debilitating.  It's crippling.  I've lived this way for as long as I can remember and I'm just so tired.  I keep saying I'll write about it.  One day I will write about it when I'm ready.

Anyway, yesterday I ate about 1300 calories.  I don't feel as anxious this morning, but I have a feeling that's going to change.

Last night my daughter and I had a Jurassic Park marathon.  All. Night. Long.  We watched all three movies twice.  Nobody can accuse us of not being Jurassic Park fans.  We're getting ready for Jurassic World.  We'll definitely be in line for that on June 12th.

I pulled out some of my cross stitch stuff last night and decided I really want to do The Guardian by Teresa Wentzler.  It's a massive undertaking, but I love that picture.  I've got so many other things to do this summer, though.  This would be, of course, after I finish the Majestic Unicorns and the Unicorns of Vengeance.

I've decided I need to be more aggressive in cleaning out that room.  It's just not coming along like I wanted.  I'm going to have to throw out about half of what's in there.  I'm a hoarder, so this is not something I take lightly.  I've already thrown out a whole garbage can full of stuff which is a real accomplishment for me.  I think what I may do this morning is take my anxiety meds, take a nice warm bath, and just go in there and start throwing out.

Update:  I knew today wasn't going to be a good day this morning when I realized my mother was probably in a bad mood.  (I can't live alone because my intense anxiety renders me nonfunctional at times.)  Whenever my mother does this, I have overwhelming anxiety.  This stems from my childhood.  Anyway, I've been unable to function well this morning and have gotten very little done.  I've just taken my meds again and I'm waiting for that to start working then I'll try to go clean the laundry room.  (I seriously want a great big tub of Death by Chocolate right now.)

Day Three

I ate about 1300 calories yesterday and felt good pretty much all day, but today I'm feeling a bit anxious.

My daughter has picked out what my next cross stitch project will be.  I wanted to do a Teresa Wentzler design, but I will be doing Majestic Unicorns and Unicorns of Vengeance (Unicorns of Vengeance???).  After that, I'll do a Teresa Wentzler.  I'm kind of excited to get back into cross stitching.  It's been so many years since I've done any needlework.  It's been years since I've done anything crafty.  I used to love doing that sort of thing, but depression, anxiety, life got in the way.  It's taken me years to work through three nervous breakdowns.  But that's a story I'll write about eventually.

It's time for me to get busy cleaning out that room.  It's got lots of my craft stuff in it that's just been piled up over the years of inactivity.  I'm not even going to be cautiously optimistic that I'm coming out of the deep pit of depression I was in.  I've been optimistic before and have been kicked back down again.  But, I'll work on being ok today.

2:30pm: Had to take medication for anxiety

Five for Friday

Inspired by rukristin.

1.  I'm doing better today!  I haven't been hungry and I've had much less anxiety than yesterday.
2.  We've been watching Say Yes to the Dress today.  It's not bad reality TV, but after a whole afternoon of it, I might be willing to watch something else.  You wouldn't have to twist my arm too badly.
3.  I'm thinking about starting a cross-stitch project.  It's been so long since I've done anything with my needlework.
4.  It hasn't rained all day today!
5.  I got some more of the room cleaned out today.  I got several boxes moved out and in the trash.

Update:  It's raining.

Day Two

So, I did ok yesterday.  I ate about 1460 calories which was more than I wanted to but I started feeling sickish.  I want to lose weight so badly, but I feel so terrible when I don't eat, especially when anxiety attacks hit.  I'm trying to make sure I don't forget my antidepressants, but I don't know how much good they're doing.

I did get started on one of the rooms that needs cleaning out.  I didn't get a whole lot done because of the anxiety and sickishness, but at least I did get started.

My cat's feeling much better since her allergy shot.  She's been out and about whereas before, she hid for a couple of days.

Now we will see how Day Two goes...

Day One

I took my cat to the vet yesterday.  Turns out she has allergies.  She got a shot and is feeling much better this morning.

We also went to Walmart as much as I hate going there.  I bought a tub of Yarnell's Death by Chocolate ice cream.  I know, I know.  I need to lose weight and writing this makes me realize just how stupid that decision was, but I haven't had Death by Chocolate for YEARS and I wanted some yesterday.  My problem is that I eat when I get stressed and when I'm experiencing anxiety - which is all the time, really.  I've always battled with my weight because of this.  So, I made the decision last night to announce that I'm starting counting calories today.  I need to lose 30 pounds in 10 months... 30 pounds before my daughter graduates.  I'm at 169 pounds now (maybe more since the Death by Chocolate).  I want to be at 139 pounds or less at her graduation.  If I get down to 138, that'll be how much I weighed 15 years ago.  Hopefully writing about it will help.  We'll see...  Today is Day One.

Now that I've had almost a week to think about and do absolutely nothing since school let out, it's time for me to start actually doing something with my summer.  There are two rooms in the house that need to be cleaned out so that's going to be my first project.  Hopefully writing about that will keep me on track with that, too.