I'm Back

I haven't posted in a while because I was really sick for a few days.  I had to have an antibiotic shot Friday and one Saturday, plus take these huge, horse pill, strong antibiotics twice a day, plus pain meds and I was totally out of it for about three days.

I weighed 169.4 at the doctor's office.  When school starts, I'm going to try to start counting calories again.

I really wanted to start Titania while I was sick in bed, but I was just too woozy.  I finally got her started, though.

7/26/15

 

 

Totally LOVE my Queen Mab needle minder from Golden Circle Designs!

7/27/15

I wanted to be further along on that wing, but yesterday I was feeling woozy again and had to frog several sections 2 and 3 times before I finally decided to take a nap.  I'm going to work on it some more a bit later this afternoon.

While I was so sick, I was enabled by a couple of stitchers to order a few more things for my stash.  Messy Stitcher on youtube did Promise Me by Lizzie Kate and I had to get that to make for my daughter.  I was also enabled by Jo at Serendipitous Stitching to get Joan Elliott's Bewitching Cross Stitch because of the cutest little design she did called Believe.  You can see her project on this blog post.  That one will probably go to my daughter, too.  (I rarely keep any of my cross stitch projects.  I'm always doing them for someone else.)

I'm beginning to feel a bit woozy again, so that will be all for now...

Day 49

I missed yesterday, but I ate about 1400 calories yesterday and day before. 

I had to go get shots for my back today even though my daughter and I have wellness checkups tomorrow.  I was trying to wait until tomorrow, but it just got to be too much.  I weighed 168.2 at the doctor's office.

I've been watching a bunch of videos on youtube by cross stitchers.  That's been really interesting.

I ended up having to buy a piece of cross stitch fabric from ebay for something I wanted to start this weekend.  It turns out Silkweaver has not actually mailed my fabric.  They've only printed the mailing label.  What in the world is keeping them from going ahead and mailing it, I don't know, but I won't be getting it by this weekend when I should have had it last week.  I am so not happy about that.  While I really do like their fabrics, I don't think I'll be ordering from them anymore.  This is absolutely ridiculous.

Those shots made me really dizzy this time.  We went to Walmart while ago and I nearly had a wreck on the way back home.  I'm going to lie down for a while and try to get over this wooziness.

Day 33

172.4 at the doctor's office.  I am completely baffled as to how I have gained weight.  I've gone off plan a few times but not enough to gain.  I should have at least maintained.  So it's back to counting calories.

My daughter's boyfriend is still here.  We watched The Mist and Maximum Overdrive today.  I'm not a fan of Stephen King, though.

I finished the possum and the frog.  I'm now working on the alpaca and still waiting for my fabric to come in.  They said it would ship by today, but it hasn't shipped yet.  I'll have to email them and ask when it will ship.

I'm feeling a little better, but still a lot of anxiety going on.  I just got my medication refilled about an hour and a half ago so I'm waiting to see if that helps.

That's all for today...

Day 21

Three weeks and I've been off plan two days.  I've gotten to the point that I'm always trying to think of excuses to binge.  I haven't been hungry.  I just want to eat.

I ate about 1350 calories yesterday.

We're going to the city today.  I had wanted to go eat Mexican and get margaritas, but I've kind of lost interest.

Earlier at the doctor's, I weighed 170 pounds.  The shot I got for my back made me so woozy that I wasn't bothered about it for a while.  Now I'm disappointed.

Those shots were awesome, though.  They wore off last night, but while they lasted my back hasn't felt that good in a loooong time.  I may have to go back to get some more so I can finish our spring cleaning.

We haven't been walking because it's been raining Every. Day.

Both parts of the two-part episode of Married At First Sight aired last night so I don't have to worry about that anymore.  Hallelujah!

Two of my raccoons are bringing babies up now.  They're so adorable!  I just want to hug them.  It's so cute how they stay right beside Mama.

Well, I've got to go get ready to go...

Day 20

I ate around 1100 calories yesterday and got on the scale this morning and it said 165.4.  At this point, your guess is as good as mine as to how much I weigh.

A long time ago when I was being treated for eating disorder/depression, I had to get rid of scales because I was obsessed with them.  I would weigh all day long.  I'm doing it again, but for a different reason.  I just want to get an accurate weight.  Then I only want to weigh once a week or less.  Prior to this, the only time I weighed was when I was forced to at the doctor's office.

I had a bout with depression yesterday.  I cried and it was difficult to get anything done.  I felt a bit better by evening.  I didn't get much done yesterday.  I'm feeling a bit better this morning.

I started the Majestic Unicorns yesterday evening and very quickly ordered a magnifier with a stand and a lamp.  I'm going to be so disappointed if I can't cross stitch anymore because of my eyes.  I went to one eye doctor and he told me to just keep using reading glasses.  I'm not happy with that.  I think I'll go to another.  That clinic is about 30 minutes away, but I'll make the drive to get some glasses that correct my vision.

I'm trying to decide on my next project.  I had thought I wanted to do The Guardian, but now I'm thinking Adia, The Garden Fairy.  That's a HUGE investment though.   I may start on The Guardian since I already have all the materials for that one.

My feral/stray cat has been coming back more often.  I haven't named it yet.  I think it's a boy but I'm not positive.  I don't think it's decided to make this its home yet.

We're going back to the city tomorrow.  We may eat Mexican and get margaritas.  I'm not sure yet.  Margaritas have an unholy amount of calories.

My doctor's appointment is later today so I will update when I get my weight from them.

Oh, by the way, I thought I was done watching Married At First Sight, but noooooooooo.  They now have a two-part reunion episode so we'll be watching for the next two weeks.  Stupid, stupid reality TV.

Update:  I weighed 170.0 at the doctor's office, so I guess that's official.  How disappointing.

Whatever shots they gave me for my back made me woozy...

Day 19

I'm being wishy-washy.  I don't know if I'm just going to start over or keep going.  I got on the scales this morning and they said 167.8.  I don't know what to think at this point.

I didn't eat like I should yesterday.  The frustration got to me and the depression.  Today's not looking good, either, as far as the depression goes.  Anxiety levels will probably go up as the day goes on.  My daughter's boyfriend is coming to visit in a couple of weeks and my mother wants the house spotless.  Ok, fine, but she gets to where she nit-picks about every little thing - I don't do anything right - she constantly b****es.  It's just one thing after another.  I can't deal with that.  I shut down.  I've dealt with it all my life and I've gotten to the point that instead of trying to fight back, I just shut down.  Completely.  My stomach is already queasy.  It's things like this that make me run for a big tub of Death by Chocolate.

I am thinking of a plan though.  I think I'll set my calories at 1200-1500 a day.  I'll try to stay toward the low end, but if I get too hungry, I can still eat a bit more without going off plan.

Ok, I've taken some stomach medicine.  Hopefully, my stomach will settle down in a bit.  My mother left for a while so that may help, too.  I HATE this burning in my stomach.  A lot of times I eat to relieve that burning.  Does anyone else have this problem?

Update:  I moved my doctor's appointment to tomorrow.

Forget Everything That's Happened Until Now

Well, I got another scale and it says 169.8 so apparently I've gained weight since I went to the doctor last.  I go again on the 18th so I'll get my weight there, too, but now I've got more than 30 pounds to lose.  I'm going to cry now.  I don't know whether to start over at Day 1 or keep going.  I'm extremely discouraged right now.  Maybe I'll start over when I get my weight at the doctor's office.

I wanted to go walking today, but it's raining.  The weather is reflecting my mood.

Update:  After giving it some thought, I've decided I'm going to start all over.  I'm going to call in the morning and see if I can get in to see the doctor earlier and go from there.

Day 18

I didn't eat anything at the flea market thing.  I really don't like those things.  My mother and daughter are crazy about them, but I feel like we've got enough junk already.  Why do we need to go buy junk somebody else doesn't want?  I digress...

I didn't eat anything while I was there and ate the remaining two Lean Pockets when I got back home.  Again it felt as if I ate almost nothing.  I was still hungry.  Later I ate a Weight Watchers pizza and wasn't hungry afterwards so I won't be buying any more Lean Pockets.  There's just something about them that doesn't fill me up.

I ate about 1400 calories yesterday and wasn't hungry after the Weight Watchers food.  So, now it's back to counting calories.

P.S.  Feeling very discouraged today.  I got on the scale this morning and it said 168.4, but I got back on it not too long afterwards and it said 167.2.  I'm going to get another scale possibly today or tomorrow.  BUT, there's no way I could have gained that much.  I went off the diet for two days, but I didn't eat THAT many extra calories.  There's no way I ate 7000 calories over what I burned to gain at least 2 pounds in two days.  I mean, according to this scale, I've fluctuated 5 pounds in eight days.  I don't see how that's possible.  I'm not sure what to think except that I'm very, very discouraged at the moment.

P.P.S.  I just got back on that scale and it said 166.6.  I just don't know...

Day 10

I'm feeling less queasy today, but I got very little sleep last night.

I ate around 1100 calories yesterday.  I also finally weighed myself.  Usually the only time I weigh is when I'm at the doctor's office, but I pulled out the scales and they said 163.4.  Now, it's questionable just how accurate these scales are and I have shoes and more clothes on in the doctor's office, so I'm going with 165.  That means I'm down 4 pounds.  There's no possible way I could've lost 4 pounds in 9 days.  There's no way I've had a 14,000 calorie deficit in 9 days.  I'll keep weighing on a home scale, but I'll officially see how much I weigh next time I go to the doctor's office which will be at the end of the month.

I am five pounds away from my pregnancy weight.  My highest weight during my pregnancy was 160.  At the time I thought that weight was massive.  I cannot believe I'm dieting to get back down to my highest pregnancy weight.  I thought I was so fat at 140 when I got pregnant.  I lost my pregnancy weight fairly quickly, but in the years since I've gotten as high as 185.  I started gaining weight about 15 years ago and it's been a roller-coaster since.  My weight started going up when I started teaching and it just got worse with the nervous breakdowns, anxiety, depression, and degenerative disease.

I've had an eating disorder since around 2nd grade.  I've been in treatment for that and depression several times.  Honestly, none of it really worked.  I'm not quite ready to talk about exactly why, but it mainly hinges on my mother who was a narcissist.  Anyway, I would binge whenever I had an anxiety attack.  It's really a wonder that I'm not much heavier than I am.  But, as I said before, I'm hoping to change those habits in the next 10 months.  I know it's not going to happen overnight.

In other news, my daughter will be coming back tomorrow.  That means back to the city.  We'll be staying the night with a friend of mine so I've got to figure out what I'm going to take to eat.  I've got to be very careful because every time I stay over there, I eat more than I should.  Every.  Time.  I don't know why.  It just happens.  I'm going to have to have more control this time.  I'd hate to have to come back Monday and say I blew it.  He lives a little outside the city and his neighbors have llamas and zebras.  That's just so exciting for me!  I just love animals.

Speaking of animals, one of the raccoons brought a baby up last night.  It was so adorable I wanted to hug it.  It chittered and stayed right beside mama the whole time.  Squee!

My medication seems to be kicking in so it's time for me to do a bit of cleaning and run a couple of errands.

Update:  I just weighed with jeans and shoes on and it did put on a couple of pounds.  I'm going to have to say that I've lost about 2 pounds.  That's a lot more realistic.  So, I'm 7 pounds from my highest pregnancy weight.  While it makes me feel better in a logical, realistic way - that's kind of depressing.  Let's just say I'm at 167 now.  Ugh.  I wish it were more, but that would be just fantasy.  Sigh.

Realistically, I expect to lose about 1/2 - 1 pound a week.  If I eat 1000-1200 calories a day, that would give me around a 500 calorie deficit which would add up to 3500 calories a week or 1 pound.  I have what was formerly called a Bodybugg so I can keep up with about how many calories I'm burning.  So, yeah, that does make the 2 pounds make a lot more sense.