Saturday, June 6, 2015

Day 10

I'm feeling less queasy today, but I got very little sleep last night.

I ate around 1100 calories yesterday.  I also finally weighed myself.  Usually the only time I weigh is when I'm at the doctor's office, but I pulled out the scales and they said 163.4.  Now, it's questionable just how accurate these scales are and I have shoes and more clothes on in the doctor's office, so I'm going with 165.  That means I'm down 4 pounds.  There's no possible way I could've lost 4 pounds in 9 days.  There's no way I've had a 14,000 calorie deficit in 9 days.  I'll keep weighing on a home scale, but I'll officially see how much I weigh next time I go to the doctor's office which will be at the end of the month.

I am five pounds away from my pregnancy weight.  My highest weight during my pregnancy was 160.  At the time I thought that weight was massive.  I cannot believe I'm dieting to get back down to my highest pregnancy weight.  I thought I was so fat at 140 when I got pregnant.  I lost my pregnancy weight fairly quickly, but in the years since I've gotten as high as 185.  I started gaining weight about 15 years ago and it's been a roller-coaster since.  My weight started going up when I started teaching and it just got worse with the nervous breakdowns, anxiety, depression, and degenerative disease.

I've had an eating disorder since around 2nd grade.  I've been in treatment for that and depression several times.  Honestly, none of it really worked.  I'm not quite ready to talk about exactly why, but it mainly hinges on my mother who was a narcissist.  Anyway, I would binge whenever I had an anxiety attack.  It's really a wonder that I'm not much heavier than I am.  But, as I said before, I'm hoping to change those habits in the next 10 months.  I know it's not going to happen overnight.

In other news, my daughter will be coming back tomorrow.  That means back to the city.  We'll be staying the night with a friend of mine so I've got to figure out what I'm going to take to eat.  I've got to be very careful because every time I stay over there, I eat more than I should.  Every.  Time.  I don't know why.  It just happens.  I'm going to have to have more control this time.  I'd hate to have to come back Monday and say I blew it.  He lives a little outside the city and his neighbors have llamas and zebras.  That's just so exciting for me!  I just love animals.

Speaking of animals, one of the raccoons brought a baby up last night.  It was so adorable I wanted to hug it.  It chittered and stayed right beside mama the whole time.  Squee!

My medication seems to be kicking in so it's time for me to do a bit of cleaning and run a couple of errands.

Update:  I just weighed with jeans and shoes on and it did put on a couple of pounds.  I'm going to have to say that I've lost about 2 pounds.  That's a lot more realistic.  So, I'm 7 pounds from my highest pregnancy weight.  While it makes me feel better in a logical, realistic way - that's kind of depressing.  Let's just say I'm at 167 now.  Ugh.  I wish it were more, but that would be just fantasy.  Sigh.

Realistically, I expect to lose about 1/2 - 1 pound a week.  If I eat 1000-1200 calories a day, that would give me around a 500 calorie deficit which would add up to 3500 calories a week or 1 pound.  I have what was formerly called a Bodybugg so I can keep up with about how many calories I'm burning.  So, yeah, that does make the 2 pounds make a lot more sense.

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