Day 34

I'm feeling a bit better today than yesterday.  I didn't stay on plan yesterday because the kids made supper and I couldn't tell them I didn't want to eat any.  I ate turkey and rice with a little gravy so it wasn't that bad.  I'm feeling a little anxious, but I'm afraid any medication will put me to sleep because I didn't get much sleep last night.

I'm still waiting to hear from Silkweaver about my fabric.  I'm about half done with the alpaca and I picked out a sloth to do if I'm still waiting for my fabric in the next few days - if we go into the city to get the floss.  I've been trying to plan how I'm going to do Titania - and the rest of the fairies - and I've decided I may have to grid the whole thing before I start stitching.  I've never done that before so I'm not really sure about it.  I didn't have a problem with counting before I needed glasses, but I'm having trouble now.

I'm still waiting for the kids to wake up.  They stayed up pretty much all night playing a video game.  I stayed up most of the night so I'm still pretty sleepy.  My daughter's boyfriend was supposed to leave Sunday and then he was supposed to leave yesterday.  I'm pretty sure he's leave today.

Update: Silkweaver is now saying that it will be next week before my fabric is shipped so I said to heck with it - I'm going to start stitching Teresa Wentzler's Tempest.

Day 33

172.4 at the doctor's office.  I am completely baffled as to how I have gained weight.  I've gone off plan a few times but not enough to gain.  I should have at least maintained.  So it's back to counting calories.

My daughter's boyfriend is still here.  We watched The Mist and Maximum Overdrive today.  I'm not a fan of Stephen King, though.

I finished the possum and the frog.  I'm now working on the alpaca and still waiting for my fabric to come in.  They said it would ship by today, but it hasn't shipped yet.  I'll have to email them and ask when it will ship.

I'm feeling a little better, but still a lot of anxiety going on.  I just got my medication refilled about an hour and a half ago so I'm waiting to see if that helps.

That's all for today...

Day 32

I'm feeling better today, thank goodness.  I don't know what happened yesterday, but it was terrible.  I did not stay on plan yesterday, nor will I today.  I'll just have to start over tomorrow.

I've got an appointment tomorrow with one of my doctors to get my anxiety medication refilled among other things.  I ran out which made yesterday tougher to handle.  I should have already gone for the refills, but I just hate going to doctors.

I finished the raccoon last night and started on the possum.  I got the possum done.  Now all I need to do are the flowers and backstitching.  I so wish my fabric would come in for Titania.  If it doesn't come in soon, my daughter is going to have tons of little animals to hang on her dorm room wall.

I'm getting sleepy.  We stayed up really late last night - until 3:00am - watching the last season of Parks and Recreation.  My daughter and her boyfriend are still asleep, so I may take a nap.  I would work on stitching, but my daughter has been sleeping on the couch where all my stitching stuff is.  I can't just bring it back to my bedroom because I need my magnifier lamp.

Day 31

I'm not sure what happened, but yesterday I spiraled into an abyss of depression.  I've lost interest in stuff.  I'm just not feeling well today.  I'm hoping it will pass soon.  Several things went wrong and I lost it.  My nerves have gotten to the point that I can't take stress that well.  I've had to take extra anxiety medication.

I went off plan yesterday, too.  I've been such a mess for the past couple of days.

I'm supposed to get my materials for Titania today which is good.  I'm just waiting on the fabric now.  I'm just not sure I can do it on the 32 count fabric.  I'm really nervous about that and discouraged.  I found two other things I can work on until the fabric comes in - an alpaca and a frog.  I just keep trying to find little things to work on so I don't get caught up in something big before I start Titania.  I don't know.  I'm beginning to think I don't deserve to do these things.  I'm in a bad place right now.  I hope it passes soon.

We're probably going the Chinese restaurant to eat at some point while my daughter's boyfriend is here so I might as well forget my diet until he's gone.  I doubt I lose anything this month.

I need help today.  I can't exactly pinpoint what's wrong although I have some ideas.  I apologize for the depressing post today.  Hopefully things will get better.

Day 30

I didn't count calories yesterday.  We had pizza and dessert when my daughter's boyfriend got here.

I'm still waiting on my supplies for Titania which are a couple of states away.  I'm still very upset about that.  So I'm looking for more small animals I can do until I get to start on Titania.  Because my packages are taking so long to get here, my floss for the possum won't be here tomorrow so I guess I'm going to have to drive to the city to get the floss.  That's an hour there and an hour back which I did not want to do, but I guess I'll make the trip today or tomorrow.

I've had a stomach bug for the past couple of days and I've got a headache, so I'm not feeling very well.  I'm kind of weak and just overall yucky.

I'm just waiting for my daughter to wake up to see what they're doing today to decide what day I'm going into the city...

Day 29

I still hurt all over this morning, but I am feeling a bit better.  Yesterday I could barely move.  I didn't get much accomplished yesterday at all.  There were several things I wanted to do yesterday, but I just couldn't bring myself to do them.  I had lots of anxiety yesterday, too.

I'm almost finished with the raccoon.  I won't have the floss to start the possum until Saturday.  Unfortunately the nearest shop that carries floss is an hour away so I've ordered it.  I did consider making the trip to get the floss, but I just didn't want to drive all that way for just floss so I'll have to wait until Saturday to get started on that one.  I need to organize my cross-stitching supplies so I guess I'll work on that until Saturday.

I'm supposed to get all the stitching supplies for Titania today, but my fabric won't be in until next week sometime.  I contacted Silkweaver and they said it should be shipped by Monday.  Meanwhile, I've ordered patterns for The Raven Queen (because it's so cool) and Ella, the Frog Princess (because it's got a frog in it).  I have to say that I'm extremely intimidated terrified by these projects I'm undertaking.  I don't know why.  I used to stitch Teresa Wentzler designs.  This will be my first Mirabilia, though.  I think what I'm most worried about is stitching on 32 count fabric.  I've never done that before and my eyesight has gotten bad in the past few years.  Plus I haven't cross-stitched in a long time so that's probably a big part of it.

I also found two other designs I want to do - Fairy Dreams and Fairy Grandmother.  I already have those patterns and I think I may have all the materials for Fairy Dreams.  I'll have to look for all that when I'm organizing my cross-stitch supplies.  I've got several big boxes of stuff so that may take a while.

I just hope I won't get frustrated and quit.  I know it'll take forever to do these designs and I want to stick with it, but depression, anxiety, and stress get in the way.  Sometimes I lose interest in everything - especially during the school year.  I feel like nothing matters and there's no point in anything.  I feel like I don't deserve to do anything enjoyable.  It's a horrible feeling.

So, I ate about 1400 calories yesterday.

My daughter's boyfriend is supposed to get here today.  He'll get here this evening and stay until Sunday.  So, I'd better get going.  There are several things I want to do before he gets here...

Update:  My supplies for Titania did not get here today.  I am so disappointed.  I actually called USPS and they said give it one more day and call back tomorrow if it's not here then.

Day 28

I totally gave out yesterday.  I got so tired I could barely move and I hurt all over.  I'm not feeling much better this morning.  Sometimes my body will do this.  It just feels like all the stress, anxiety, and depression make my body give out.  I just have to wait until it passes.  Sometimes it lasts longer than others.

I did start on the little raccoon yesterday.  I also found a possum I'm going to work on after that except I'm changing it to look like an American Opossum instead of an Australian Possum - just the ears and the tail.  I'm trying to do little things until my supplies for Titania come in.  I don't want to start on something big and quit in the middle to do Titania.  I know most cross-stitchers have several works in progress at once, but I want Titania to be my main one and then if I decide to start on something else later (possibly Adia), I'll do that.  I'm just getting back into this after several years so I don't want to overwhelm myself.

Anyway, I ate about 1300 calories yesterday.  Usually when I get tired like this I'll overeat, but I did well yesterday and didn't eat more than I should.

Well, I do need to get up from here and get busy on something (although I don't feel like it).  I will post more later...

Thanks for reading my blog!!!

Day 27

I didn't feel well yesterday - anxiety and depression.  I don't know why.  I just pretty much woke up that way.  I got in an argument with my mother which made me feel worse.  Yesterday was just not a good day.

I got a lot of the cleaning out done, but I didn't finish.  I've got to finish today.

I ate around 1300 calories yesterday.

I got discouraged again yesterday over my weight.  I'm just feeling like this weight is going to put up a good fight before I can get rid of it and I'm not sure I'm going to be strong enough.  I just wish I could see some progress, if only a little, but so far there has been nothing.

I decided what fabric I want for Woodland Fairie.  Now I will have fabrics for all four fairies that I want to stitch.  Here they are:

Titania - Fairy Land
Adia - Wandering Ivy
Woodland Fairie - Ocean
Petal Fairy - Magical Garden

Now, if they would just get here so I could get started...

I did find a cute little raccoon that I can work on until my supplies come in.

I would also like to do Little Snap Dragon, but it'll probably take me forever to do the fairies so at this point, it's just wishful thinking.  Not to mention that I may decide to do Midsummer Night's Fairy.  I've got the pattern, but I haven't decided if I really want to do that one or not.

Ok, I've got to go get busy now...

Day 26

I finished Unicorns of Vengeance last night.  I wish I had my materials to start Titania but it will be a while before those come in.  I'm considering going ahead and ordering the materials for Adia.  I ordered the fabric from Silkweaver.  They make gorgeous fabrics.  I went ahead and got the fabrics for Titania, Adia, and Petal Fairy.  Another one I want to do is Woodland Fairie, but I haven't picked out what fabric I want for her yet.  I told my daughter that I'm making these for my granddaughter.  Now, my daughter isn't married.  She's not even engaged.  But one day she'll be married and have a little girl and these are for her.  Seriously.

I got a lot done cleaning out that room, but I didn't finish yesterday.  I'm planning on finishing today.

I ate about 1400 calories yesterday.  I keep hoping that I'll get used to not eating so much and stop being hungry as often so I can make it down to 1200 a day.

Currently the reality show is Bridezilla.  My daughter just loves bad reality TV.

I'm waiting for the medicine to kick in and then I've got to get started on cleaning.  I've really got to get that room finished today...

Day 25

I finally decided on what cross stitch project to start on next.  I'm going to be working on Titania, Queen of Fairies.  When I get a camera or a new phone, I'll post pictures.  I just ordered the materials so it'll be a week or so before I can start.

I went through a bout of depression again yesterday.  I forgot to take my meds a couple of days so that could've been the problem, but there are other things going on.  I'm feeling a little better now.

I ate about 1400 calories yesterday.

I'm also up late again.  I don't know why.  I was sleepy while ago and intended to get in bed my midnight, but it just didn't happen.  I kept going through my cross stitching stuff and I just never did get in bed.  Besides that, when my daughter stays up late, I like to stay up to spend time with her.  We're currently watching The X-Files.

I've got to really work on finishing up one room today which was one reason I wanted to get a good bit of sleep.  I guess I'll try to get a little sleep before it's time to get up and start working...

Day 24

I ate about 1400 calories yesterday.

My stray cat came back, but left again.

The shots for my back wore off way too quickly.  Also, they didn't work as well as the first time.  I'm disappointed.  I stayed up super late last night because my daughter was sick so I slept late this morning.  Now I'm waiting for the medicine I took to kick in so I can start cleaning out again.

We've got to make another trip to Walmart today as much as I hate to.  It'll probably be packed since tomorrow's Father's Day.  We don't celebrate Father's Day around here.  My father was an a**hole and my daughter's father is one.  So basically this is a non-holiday for us.

I'm making a good bit of progress on Unicorns of Vengeance.  I must admit that when I asked my daughter to pick out a cross stitch project for me to do for her, I thought it would be something - I don't know - prettier... more challenging - but this is what she wanted so I'm working on it.

Well, I need to get up and get busy even though the medicine isn't really working like I had wanted it to...

Day 23

I ate about 1300 calories yesterday.  We got a lot of stuff cleaned out, but still have more work to do.  I also started Unicorns of Vengeance.  My new magnifier lamp works great!  I'm so glad I got it!

I went to the doctor and got the shots for my back again today.  I'll be trying to lift boxes this weekend cleaning those rooms out.  I did not get weighed at the doctor's office today.  My back does feel better, but it is starting to give me a headache again.

I haven't seen my stray cat today.  I'm a bit concerned.  I hope he shows up tonight.  Some guys were out here working for a while today so that may have scared the cat off.

I'm still feeding the raccoons and opossums every night.  It's so cute.  The raccoons will come up to me for the vanilla creme cookies.  I just love raccoons.  I want to hug one.

My daughter and mother ordered pizza for tonight's supper, but I didn't have any.  I really need to stick to the plan and get this weight off.  It just seems like it doesn't want to budge.  We haven't gotten to get into walking yet.  It rained every day for a while and now we're busy cleaning out those rooms.  My daughter's boyfriend is coming for a visit next weekend.  Hopefully after that we'll be able to start walking.  Unfortunately, it's started getting really hot now.  The "feels like" temperature today was 103 degrees.

So far, my summer has been pretty boring.  I haven't had much to write about.  But I will continue to post my calorie intake.

Oh, and we're currently watching Marriage Boot Camp...

Day 22

I didn't count calories yesterday so that's three weeks and three days off plan.

My back bothered me all day yesterday.  If I don't do something about my back, I'm going to end up on a scooter.  I just don't know what to do.

We're getting a good bit done today cleaning out those couple of rooms.  My back is feeling a bit better now that I've taken a fistful of medicine.  I've also gotten a good bit done on the Majestic Unicorns for my daughter.  It's not difficult, so it's moving along quite quickly.

My magnifier lamp came in today.  I haven't put it together yet.  I'm going to take a break from cleaning in a bit and put that thing together.  I am so hoping it helps a lot.

Well, back to cleaning...

Day 21

Three weeks and I've been off plan two days.  I've gotten to the point that I'm always trying to think of excuses to binge.  I haven't been hungry.  I just want to eat.

I ate about 1350 calories yesterday.

We're going to the city today.  I had wanted to go eat Mexican and get margaritas, but I've kind of lost interest.

Earlier at the doctor's, I weighed 170 pounds.  The shot I got for my back made me so woozy that I wasn't bothered about it for a while.  Now I'm disappointed.

Those shots were awesome, though.  They wore off last night, but while they lasted my back hasn't felt that good in a loooong time.  I may have to go back to get some more so I can finish our spring cleaning.

We haven't been walking because it's been raining Every. Day.

Both parts of the two-part episode of Married At First Sight aired last night so I don't have to worry about that anymore.  Hallelujah!

Two of my raccoons are bringing babies up now.  They're so adorable!  I just want to hug them.  It's so cute how they stay right beside Mama.

Well, I've got to go get ready to go...

Ten for Tuesday

Inspired by rukristin.

 

 1.  I'm excited to get back into cross-stitching.  I just want to do a big project.  After I finish these unicorns for my daughter, I'll start one.  I just can't decide which one I want to do.  The thing is, after school starts again, I probably won't have the energy or interest to work on it except on holidays or something like that.  School takes a lot out of me.  (Update:  It really depends on how well I can see with my new magnifier.)

2.  I can't wait until my magnifier comes in so I can see what I'm doing when I stitch.  It's supposed to be here Thursday.

3. I haven't been really hungry like I was a few days ago.  I really think it had something to do with the Lean Pockets.

4.  I weighed 170.0 at the doctor's office.  That makes me sad and disappointed.  The last couple of months I've weighed 169.  Before that, I was 175, though.

5.  I'm really going to have to start only doing Five for Friday.  I have such a hard time thinking of ten whole things... or maybe Three for Thursday.  That would be even easier.

6.  Probably won't be getting margaritas tomorrow.  Bummer.

7.  Whatever those shots were that I got at the doctor's office - my back hasn't felt this good in a long time, but they gave me a headache. :(     (And it made me real sleepy.)  (But my back feels great!)

8.  I got the last season of Parks and Recreation yesterday on Amazon Instant Video and we watched it all.  I didn't like it.  It was too sad.

9.  My feral/stray cat let me pet it today!  And, it's a boy!  It's not here right now, but I do hope it decides to stay.  We'll have to give it a name and take it to the vet to get all taken care of and neutered.

10.  We'll be watching Married At First Sight shortly.  We've got to see what those rascals have been up to.  (rolls eyes)

Day 20

I ate around 1100 calories yesterday and got on the scale this morning and it said 165.4.  At this point, your guess is as good as mine as to how much I weigh.

A long time ago when I was being treated for eating disorder/depression, I had to get rid of scales because I was obsessed with them.  I would weigh all day long.  I'm doing it again, but for a different reason.  I just want to get an accurate weight.  Then I only want to weigh once a week or less.  Prior to this, the only time I weighed was when I was forced to at the doctor's office.

I had a bout with depression yesterday.  I cried and it was difficult to get anything done.  I felt a bit better by evening.  I didn't get much done yesterday.  I'm feeling a bit better this morning.

I started the Majestic Unicorns yesterday evening and very quickly ordered a magnifier with a stand and a lamp.  I'm going to be so disappointed if I can't cross stitch anymore because of my eyes.  I went to one eye doctor and he told me to just keep using reading glasses.  I'm not happy with that.  I think I'll go to another.  That clinic is about 30 minutes away, but I'll make the drive to get some glasses that correct my vision.

I'm trying to decide on my next project.  I had thought I wanted to do The Guardian, but now I'm thinking Adia, The Garden Fairy.  That's a HUGE investment though.   I may start on The Guardian since I already have all the materials for that one.

My feral/stray cat has been coming back more often.  I haven't named it yet.  I think it's a boy but I'm not positive.  I don't think it's decided to make this its home yet.

We're going back to the city tomorrow.  We may eat Mexican and get margaritas.  I'm not sure yet.  Margaritas have an unholy amount of calories.

My doctor's appointment is later today so I will update when I get my weight from them.

Oh, by the way, I thought I was done watching Married At First Sight, but noooooooooo.  They now have a two-part reunion episode so we'll be watching for the next two weeks.  Stupid, stupid reality TV.

Update:  I weighed 170.0 at the doctor's office, so I guess that's official.  How disappointing.

Whatever shots they gave me for my back made me woozy...

Day 19

I'm being wishy-washy.  I don't know if I'm just going to start over or keep going.  I got on the scales this morning and they said 167.8.  I don't know what to think at this point.

I didn't eat like I should yesterday.  The frustration got to me and the depression.  Today's not looking good, either, as far as the depression goes.  Anxiety levels will probably go up as the day goes on.  My daughter's boyfriend is coming to visit in a couple of weeks and my mother wants the house spotless.  Ok, fine, but she gets to where she nit-picks about every little thing - I don't do anything right - she constantly b****es.  It's just one thing after another.  I can't deal with that.  I shut down.  I've dealt with it all my life and I've gotten to the point that instead of trying to fight back, I just shut down.  Completely.  My stomach is already queasy.  It's things like this that make me run for a big tub of Death by Chocolate.

I am thinking of a plan though.  I think I'll set my calories at 1200-1500 a day.  I'll try to stay toward the low end, but if I get too hungry, I can still eat a bit more without going off plan.

Ok, I've taken some stomach medicine.  Hopefully, my stomach will settle down in a bit.  My mother left for a while so that may help, too.  I HATE this burning in my stomach.  A lot of times I eat to relieve that burning.  Does anyone else have this problem?

Update:  I moved my doctor's appointment to tomorrow.

Forget Everything That's Happened Until Now

Well, I got another scale and it says 169.8 so apparently I've gained weight since I went to the doctor last.  I go again on the 18th so I'll get my weight there, too, but now I've got more than 30 pounds to lose.  I'm going to cry now.  I don't know whether to start over at Day 1 or keep going.  I'm extremely discouraged right now.  Maybe I'll start over when I get my weight at the doctor's office.

I wanted to go walking today, but it's raining.  The weather is reflecting my mood.

Update:  After giving it some thought, I've decided I'm going to start all over.  I'm going to call in the morning and see if I can get in to see the doctor earlier and go from there.

Day 18

I didn't eat anything at the flea market thing.  I really don't like those things.  My mother and daughter are crazy about them, but I feel like we've got enough junk already.  Why do we need to go buy junk somebody else doesn't want?  I digress...

I didn't eat anything while I was there and ate the remaining two Lean Pockets when I got back home.  Again it felt as if I ate almost nothing.  I was still hungry.  Later I ate a Weight Watchers pizza and wasn't hungry afterwards so I won't be buying any more Lean Pockets.  There's just something about them that doesn't fill me up.

I ate about 1400 calories yesterday and wasn't hungry after the Weight Watchers food.  So, now it's back to counting calories.

P.S.  Feeling very discouraged today.  I got on the scale this morning and it said 168.4, but I got back on it not too long afterwards and it said 167.2.  I'm going to get another scale possibly today or tomorrow.  BUT, there's no way I could have gained that much.  I went off the diet for two days, but I didn't eat THAT many extra calories.  There's no way I ate 7000 calories over what I burned to gain at least 2 pounds in two days.  I mean, according to this scale, I've fluctuated 5 pounds in eight days.  I don't see how that's possible.  I'm not sure what to think except that I'm very, very discouraged at the moment.

P.P.S.  I just got back on that scale and it said 166.6.  I just don't know...

Day 17

We went to see Jurassic World yesterday.  It wasn't that great.  I'm a big fan of Jurassic Park, but this one just wasn't the same.

I didn't count calories yesterday.  We ate sushi after the movie.

I doubt I count calories today.  We're going to be gone all day to a flea market thing several hours away.  I kind of doubt they have salads there.

I see that I'm going to have to make some changes in my diet.  I can't allow myself to get that hungry again.  I'm probably going to have to add some calories for right now until I get used to the lower calorie count.

My next doctor's appointment is on the 18th so I'll get weighed officially there.

I'm just very disappointed right now.  I just didn't feel like I was eating anything when I ate those Lean Pockets.  I got so hungry and angry that I was impossible to be around.  I can't let that happen again.  I'm not sure right now how I'm going to do that.

Day 16

I did not count calories yesterday.  I went off my diet big time.  I was just so hungry.  I got way too hungry.  I may have to make some changes.  Maybe eat more calories each day.  I'm not sure yet.

The only thing I did differently the past two days was eat Lean Pockets.  I didn't feel like I was eating anything so I won't be eating those anymore.  No more Lean Pockets.

So, it's back to counting calories today.

We're going to see Jurassic World today.  I hope it's really good.

Day 15

I was so hungry yesterday.  I almost couldn't stand it.  I don't know what happened.  My stomach burned so badly.  I finally had to go to bed early so I wouldn't eat any more.  I'm feeling a bit better this morning, but also a bit discouraged.  I did manage to only eat about 1200 calories yesterday.

The scale is going up and down.  Am I losing weight?  I should be, but I don't know.  Maybe it's the depression talking or the hunger.

I apologize that I don't have anything motivational or positive to say right now, but I'm keeping this blog real.  This is what I'm going through right now.  I'm hoping that will change soon.  If anyone is going through or has gone through something similar, please contact me.

Day 14

I am so hungry.  When do you stop being so hungry?  I wish the hungrier you get, the more calories you burn.

It's been 2 weeks today.  I ate about 1200 calories yesterday.  I'm seriously not sure about today.  I've just got to keep thinking about graduation.  Today's a tough one.

Ten for Tuesday

Inspired by rukristin.

1.  My ankles and feet still sting from standing in the thorny bushes this morning.  I think I was allergic to something.
2.  I've got an appointment in the morning with an eye doctor to get glasses.  I'll be so glad to see again!  I'd better be able to do my cross stitch.
3.  My feral cat has been back several times and has let me pet it when it's eating.  It decided I wasn't too bad after I fed it canned food, but it still only lets me pet it when it's eating.
4.  We bought a bag of sunflower seeds (bird food) and bags of peanuts to put in baggies to take with us on our walks to feed the squirrels today.
5.  I've watched four seasons of Parks and Recreation.  I will be watching the rest.
6.  My daughter is making potato salad, of which I will have none.
7.  We're anxiously awaiting the Jurassic World release on June 12th.
8.  We're finally getting to watch the last show of Married at First Sight coming on next, but it's storming outside so we'll probably lose signal.
9.  The car hasn't made any more squealing sounds.  Yea!
10.  Aside from the car, we had a very nice visit with my friend (although short).  It was nice to get away for a short period of time.

Day 13

I ate about 1400 calories yesterday.  I did eat a bit more than usual, but it's better than totally blowing it like I really wanted to.  I almost went and got Mexican food with a big margarita or sushi before I remembered I'm counting calories.  Then my anxiety was so high that I seriously needed lots of chocolate.  If I made it through the day eating only 1400 calories, it was a big accomplishment.

I locked myself out of the house this morning.  I have no idea how I managed that.  I had to fight my way through the thorny bushes under my daughter's window to beat on it and wake her up.  I got poked by thorns and bitten by bugs, but I finally woke her up to get in the house.  Thank goodness she's home.  I have no idea what I would have done otherwise.

I'm still feeling the effects of the anxiety yesterday.  I had to take some more meds while ago and I'm feeling kind of washed out.

Tomorrow will be two weeks on the diet.  It seems like so much longer.  I really, really want a big tub of Death by Chocolate today.  This is difficult!

Day 12

I made it through the visit without overeating.  I ate about 1100 calories yesterday, but today my anxiety level has been so high that I felt like I needed to binge really badly.  Yesterday my daughter was delayed a couple of hours because of an accident on the highway so she didn't get back until really late.  After that, our car started making this horrible screeching noise.  We were two hours away from home and my anxiety level skyrocketed.  I didn't get very much sleep last night worrying about how we were going to get the car home.  What finally happened was that my friend's neighbor looked at it this morning and was able to fix it and we made it home without further incident.  Things turned out ok, but my anxiety was already up so high that it just got worse as the day went on.  I took anxiety meds and fell asleep.  I feel better now but it was really touchy for a good while.  Living with anxiety is really a pain.  I'm just trying to hang on and stay within my allotted calories and hopefully feel better tomorrow.

Day 11

Short and sweet...

I ate around 1100 calories yesterday and burned 1738 calories giving me a 638 calorie deficit yesterday.

Today I've got to go pick up my daughter and we'll be back tomorrow.  It's about time for me to go so I will leave you with a couple of calorie charts:

According to my "Bodybugg", I don't burn as many calories as these charts say, but they're pretty good guidelines.

Day 10

I'm feeling less queasy today, but I got very little sleep last night.

I ate around 1100 calories yesterday.  I also finally weighed myself.  Usually the only time I weigh is when I'm at the doctor's office, but I pulled out the scales and they said 163.4.  Now, it's questionable just how accurate these scales are and I have shoes and more clothes on in the doctor's office, so I'm going with 165.  That means I'm down 4 pounds.  There's no possible way I could've lost 4 pounds in 9 days.  There's no way I've had a 14,000 calorie deficit in 9 days.  I'll keep weighing on a home scale, but I'll officially see how much I weigh next time I go to the doctor's office which will be at the end of the month.

I am five pounds away from my pregnancy weight.  My highest weight during my pregnancy was 160.  At the time I thought that weight was massive.  I cannot believe I'm dieting to get back down to my highest pregnancy weight.  I thought I was so fat at 140 when I got pregnant.  I lost my pregnancy weight fairly quickly, but in the years since I've gotten as high as 185.  I started gaining weight about 15 years ago and it's been a roller-coaster since.  My weight started going up when I started teaching and it just got worse with the nervous breakdowns, anxiety, depression, and degenerative disease.

I've had an eating disorder since around 2nd grade.  I've been in treatment for that and depression several times.  Honestly, none of it really worked.  I'm not quite ready to talk about exactly why, but it mainly hinges on my mother who was a narcissist.  Anyway, I would binge whenever I had an anxiety attack.  It's really a wonder that I'm not much heavier than I am.  But, as I said before, I'm hoping to change those habits in the next 10 months.  I know it's not going to happen overnight.

In other news, my daughter will be coming back tomorrow.  That means back to the city.  We'll be staying the night with a friend of mine so I've got to figure out what I'm going to take to eat.  I've got to be very careful because every time I stay over there, I eat more than I should.  Every.  Time.  I don't know why.  It just happens.  I'm going to have to have more control this time.  I'd hate to have to come back Monday and say I blew it.  He lives a little outside the city and his neighbors have llamas and zebras.  That's just so exciting for me!  I just love animals.

Speaking of animals, one of the raccoons brought a baby up last night.  It was so adorable I wanted to hug it.  It chittered and stayed right beside mama the whole time.  Squee!

My medication seems to be kicking in so it's time for me to do a bit of cleaning and run a couple of errands.

Update:  I just weighed with jeans and shoes on and it did put on a couple of pounds.  I'm going to have to say that I've lost about 2 pounds.  That's a lot more realistic.  So, I'm 7 pounds from my highest pregnancy weight.  While it makes me feel better in a logical, realistic way - that's kind of depressing.  Let's just say I'm at 167 now.  Ugh.  I wish it were more, but that would be just fantasy.  Sigh.

Realistically, I expect to lose about 1/2 - 1 pound a week.  If I eat 1000-1200 calories a day, that would give me around a 500 calorie deficit which would add up to 3500 calories a week or 1 pound.  I have what was formerly called a Bodybugg so I can keep up with about how many calories I'm burning.  So, yeah, that does make the 2 pounds make a lot more sense.

Five for Friday

Inspired by rukristin.

1.  I have a stomach bug and I'm really queasy so I'm having a hard time concentrating.
2.  I've been in bed watching Parks and Recreation all afternoon.  If you want to see the final blooper reel, you can find it here.
3.  I received my 28-count cross-stitch fabric and realized I can't see it well enough to work with it, so I can procrastinate no longer - I'm calling Monday for an appointment with an eye doctor so I can get glasses.
4.  Read how Wil Wheaton deals with anxiety here.
5.  Today's been a tough day for me with depression.  Hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow both physically and mentally.

Day 9

Day nine and it feels like it's been so much longer.

I did ok yesterday.  I ate around 1200 calories.  We were in the car for about 6 hours and I ached all over when we got back, but we made it there and back with no incident and my daughter made it to the convention.  I'll rest easier when she's back at home.  I'm not feeling as anxious right now, but it'll come.

They ate at Whattaburger and I ate my tuna.  I felt really hungry by the time we got to eat so I didn't think I was going to make it, but I did.  How did I do it?  I don't really know.  I drank two massive (it turns out Whattaburger's large is actually massive) cups of Coke Zero and ate my tuna on the way home (StarKist Lunch To Go tuna salad kits are pretty good).  I drink a lot of Coke Zero.  I just have to keep reminding myself that I have to lose weight by the time my daughter graduates college next year.  I don't want to attend graduation looking like I do now.  Which is why I started this blog - to MAKE myself stay on a diet.

I haven't really talked about what I eat.  I don't cook or fix anything special.  Everything I eat is pretty much ready to go when I buy it at the store.  I eat frozen dinners and the tuna salad kits.  I don't drink enough water.  I drink Coke Zero.  Hopefully, by the end of this thing I'll be eating healthier... and not smoking.  I wanted to get used to eating less before I try to quit smoking.  By April 1st next year, I want to have completely changed my habits.

I've been like Clark Griswold waiting for my bonus.  I was thinking I would get on a stop smoking program after I get my summer bonus.  By the end of the summer, I want to have stopped smoking.  So, there, I've said it - now I've got to do it.

So there you have it... not very healthy... hoping to get healthier.  If you can relate, I'm really glad you're here.  Contact me and we can do this together!  :)

My Degenerative Back and Neck Disease and Exercise

I thought I'd take a minute to mention exercise since I haven't talked about that.  I have degenerative back and degenerative neck disease that don't allow me to exercise vigorously.  I take pain medication pretty much daily.  That plus the anxiety meds zap my energy fairly often (and has contributed to my weight gain).  My daughter and I plan on walking this summer on a walking trail here in town (and feeding the squirrels), but that will be after she gets back from the convention.  I also have a treadmill that I will be using when I can.  That will pretty much be the extent of my exercise.  You won't be reading about workout schedules or going to the gym or anything like that here.  I have to rely mainly on cutting calories.

Day 8

This is going to be short because I've got to get ready to go to the city this morning.

I ate about 1000 calories yesterday.  I had a good day.

Today I'll have to take some tuna lunch packs with me so I won't have to eat in restaurants.  We'll see how that goes.

Today was Good

Today was good.  I felt much better than yesterday and haven't been hungry at all.  I was a bit anxious this morning, but took meds and felt much better.  I even made cheesecake swirl brownies for my daughter to take on her trip and didn't even lick the bowl!  Now I'm all relaxed and ready for bed.

Tomorrow is another one.  Tomorrow we go into the city for a court date.  My daughter was witness to a hit and run and then we've got to meet up with her boyfriend for them to go to the convention.  I'm not happy about the long drive they're taking.  I'll have anxiety attacks as long as they're on the road.  I guess I'll have to live with that the rest of my life.  I'm not happy about that either.

Yesterday was horrible.  Today was good.  It gives me hope.

Day Seven

I made it a week!  Yesterday was AWFUL!  I was so hungry!  I managed to only eat around 1400 calories, but I felt like I was dying.  But, I made it a week!  That's pretty significant for someone who binges every time she has an anxiety attack.

As if the traumatizing incident of leaving my purse at Walmart wasn't enough, the cats got into the bread last night and messed up the kitchen.  My daughter woke me up to help clean up the mess they had made.  After we finished cleaning, we realized that there was no more bread.  We had to do something before my mother noticed the bread was gone. (The cats are an source of contention in our house.)  So, we made an emergency bread run to Walmart at midnight.  However, the bread at Walmart wasn't the same brand as the bread we had had in the kitchen.  I realized we'd have to somehow distract my mother from the bread in the morning, so we bought donuts, blueberry bagels, and cinnamon rolls.  There I was at 1:00 in the morning making cinnamon rolls.  My mother woke up to cinnamon rolls and a clean kitchen.  She seems to be in a good mood.  All this over a loaf of bread.  This is my life.

Yesterday was a test and I very nearly failed.

Things don't bode well for tomorrow, but that's a story for another day.

I'd like to thank everyone who is stopping by to read.  This blog is mostly for myself.  I told myself for a long time that I was going to lose weight, but I never stuck to it.  As soon as I started blogging, I knew I had to stick to it because PEOPLE are READING.  If any of you can relate, that's great!  That makes this endeavor even better!  Thank you!♥

Ten for Tuesday

inspired by rukristin

1.  I left my purse at Walmart today and didn't realize it until after we had ordered at Sonic which caused a big panic attack.  We did get the purse back, but now I'm feeling weak.  It's amazing how those panic attacks zap the energy right out of you.
2.  Today has been a test of my discipline.  I was so hungry this morning, plus the panic attack.  I didn't think I was going to make it, but so far I've done well.  I'm ok right now.  I really didn't think I was going to make it this morning, though.
3.  I have to drive into the city Thursday to take my daughter to meet up with her boyfriend to go to a convention which will cause another panic attack.  I hate driving in the city.
4.  We have a feral cat that's been hanging out in the woods behind the house for months.  It finally came up to the house a couple of weeks ago and today it came under the carport to eat!  (I already have seven cats.)
5.  I ordered the supplies for my cross stitch projects.  Hopefully they'll be here soon.  I realized, though, that my eyes have gotten so bad that I'm going to need a magnifying glass to do the detailed stitching on The Guardian, sooooo since I didn't get anything for Mother's Day, I've decided to order a magnifying glass lamp thing with a floor stand for myself.  Happy Mother's Day to me!
6.  I have three raccoons now that will take cookies out of my hand.  Raccoons are AWESOME!  I feed them dog food every night, but I give them vanilla creme cookies for treats.  Raccoons and opossums LOVE those! (Never feed animals chocolate.  It's poison to them.)
7.  I've had a lot of traffic on this blog the last few days and I'm all excited about it!  Thanks everyone! ♥
8.  We're watching Catfish.  More... reality TV.  And then Married at First Sight.  We get to see who stayed together tonight.  Thank goodness I don't have to worry about that one anymore.
9.  I didn't think it would be this tough to think of ten things.
10.  I am done for now.

Update:  Apparently Married at First Sight ends next week.  Crap.

Day Six

Aaaagh!  This is killing me!  I NEED chocolate!

So, I ate 1300 calories yesterday.  This is only Day Six and I don't feel like I'm going to make it.  Blogging about it has helped, though.  So far, it's helped me stick to it when I really felt like going to get that great big tub of Death by Chocolate.

Well, I'd better get ready for another day and just do this one day at a time.

Day Five

I'm feeling depressed this morning after my bout with anxiety yesterday.  Mother left before I woke up this morning.  She's probably pissed off about something.  This is what living with my mother does to me.  I wish so badly that I could be independent... and anxiety-free... and happy... or just normal.

I'm currently obsessed with sleep.  During the school year, I only get 4-5 (or less) hours of sleep each night so now that I'm off, I just want to sleep.  It feels so nice to be able to get 8 hours of sleep each night.  That's just wonderful!

I ate about 1100 calories yesterday.  Losing weight is such a pain in the rear.  I wish it were as easy as gaining it.  I'm good at that.  I've battled with my weight for most of my life.  I had an eating disorder by the time I was in second grade.  I was already severely depressed by that time.

The anxiety and anxiety meds yesterday rendered me almost nonfunctional so I didn't get as much done as I wanted to.  I did start cleaning the laundry room, but the meds made me so sleepy I didn't get it finished.  I've got to finish that today and continue to work on the junk room.

I still want that nice big tub of Death by Chocolate.